mom: are you ever gonna clean your room?
50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”
it’s 2014 why do printers still sound like you’re sacrificing your first born child to the aztec gods
Fuck you. Be fucking honest with me, I don’t care if it hurts worse than a lie. I don’t give one fuck if it hurts worse. I will always prefer the truth over sugar coated bullshit.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
"This is an ancient Elvish blade. Forged by my kin."
Girl Scouts are the ONLY exception.
"We’re selling thin mints.
Do you know who else loved thin mints.
so i was in the bus with this granny by my side when we spotted two girls kissing by the bus stop. the granny turned to me and said “these girls are so pretty. at their age i was pretty ugly. well, maybe that’s why i had to marry a man” i almost died omg
me after i shave